Well, it's finally happened. Global warming is changing the ocean ecosystem off the mouth of San Francisco Bay and areas to the north as well, causing yet another unforeseen event: the emergence of Giant Spider Crabs from the ocean depths.
You know as well as I do that the Bay Area media are slavishly tied to the tourist industry. They will NEVER, EVER warn you about this until it is too late, so I'm sending excerpts of the shocking coverage from the Washington, D.C. and New York City newspapers.
Giant Crabs Spotted Near Oakland
Small Boy Missing at Aquarium
Giant Spider Crabs, a dangerous species combining the venom of the arachnid and the stealth and voraciousness of the deep water crustacean, have been sighted in the waters of Northern California where they appear to be migrating to the San Francisco Bay Area.
With a 15" body and a leg span of 12 to 15 feet, these Crust-Achnids, as they are known to science, are as dangerous as they are ugly according to a recent report by the National Academy of Marine Sciences in Washington, D.C.
While their size varies due to age, which can be up to 80 years, most reach a medium size - upper left in photo - within 9 - 12 months of conception. At that time, their front pincers have a Cut Strength of 4,500 lbs/square inch, enough to snap a steel bar like it was a dry piece of Italian pasta!
Even the environmental group Greenpeace voiced alarm about the influx of these monsters of the deep after one of their volunteers met a grisly fate last month. According to Captain John Stonehammer, one of the creatures bit the head off young Billy Stalwart who, thinking the creature was dead, picked it up and was posing for a photograph when disaster struck.
Only moments left to live: Poor Billy posing with "dead" crab...
"It was so freaky, and there was, like, blood and stuff everywhere" recalled Choral Whitney, who witnessed the tragedy. "We were out fooling around in the Zodiac and Billy saw it floating in the water so we went over for a closer look and then he like picked it up? And we were all like oooh gross, put it down, Billy, put it down? That's when I saw one of the long leg-thingies move, and I like screamed and stuff but before he could throw it back, it turned around and SNAP, just like that his head was gone!"
Authorities said "playing dead" was a common attack strategy for the crabs. "Fools em every time" said Captain Samuel Pritchard, who pilots the fishing vessel No Nonsense out of Half Moon Bay just up the coast from San Francisco.
The Captain - No Stranger to Danger
Known as "Salty Sam" to his crew, Pritchard has seen this kind of tragedy unfold more times than he can remember. "Happens all the time", he said last week. "Some weekend warrior from Silicon Valley hooks what he thinks is a blue whale, fights it to the surface, sees a flash of orange, and that's all she wrote!"
Authorities warned that the vicious creatures should be treated with extreme caution, even in the otherwise tranquil setting of a Marine Aquarium. "Sure, you got the glass between you and the creature, but they gets out from time to time, and believe me, you don't want be around when that happens", cautioned National Aquarium spokesman Gene Lomax in Washington, D.C.
Clueless Tourists Watch as Giant Crab Assume Attack Pose
Authorities believe that is exactly what happened in the case of little Billy Watson, who was visiting the Oakland Marine Aquarium with his Aunt and Uncle, Mr. & Mrs. Worthington of Marin County. "One minute the lad was there, and seconds later he was gone, just vanished" they reported.
In this amazing photo, snapped by an Arizona tourist just moments before young Billy disappeared, the poor lad can be seen standing with his back to the creature, who appears to be sizing him up.
Authorities are considering warning recreational boaters and fishermen that recent video footage, taken at midnight under public fishing piers in the Bay Area shows the dangerous creatures apparently fighting for prime hunting space. "They only do that when it gets real crowded" said Giant Spider Crab expert Dr. Ronald Starkweather. "What this means is that there are thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of them directly beneath the piers".
Fighting for Prime Turf
Authorities Warn: Beware the Beach!
Carefree scenes like these may soon be a thing of the past according to U.S. Coast Guard Captain Kurt Karpstrom, who cautioned against playing anywhere near the shoreline.
No more of this stuff
Or this stuff...
"I wouldn't go anywhere near the shore without a shotgun and no way in hell am I going in the water."
Kurt Karpstrom, Captain, United States Coast Guard.
I know all this must come as a big surprise to you Baythor. Back in the day, all we had to worry about in the Bay Area was getting burned with too many seeds and stems when we bought some pot from the Hippies. But you and your classmates are living in different and more dangerous times, and you've got to take precautions. Also: Please listen to what Captain Karpstrom said and don't try to use your new bang stick on one of these crabs; they're much too fast for that! Use the shotgun instead.
Be Careful,
Your concerned and loving father.
