Bush's "War" on "Terror"

Any time you hear the phrase "War on Terror", it's worth taking a moment to reflect on what one of the all-time Grand Masters of Propaganda, Herman Goering, had to say about the art of leading the public by the nose. His name ring a bell?

Hint: Herr Goering was Adolf Hitter's right hand man. Here's what he had to say on the subject:

"Why of course the people don't want war. That is understood. But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."
- Herman Goering - Nazi Super-Asshole

Spin, Spin, Spin
You gotta hand it to Bush's handlers. They know their history and they sure as hell know a free ride in a Hummer stretch limo when it comes rolling their way. If there was a Nobel Prize for creating a propaganda screen big enough to hide the North American Continent, they'd sure get my vote.

Note that it's not called the "War on Terrorism". That would barely get you a C- in Propaganda 101. The War on Terror, on the other hand, gets you an A+, combining as it does the triple-header of Panic, Overwhelming Fear and Anxiety - all conveniently bundled together in one short, powerful word. Best of all, Terror's a feeeeeling - and everybody, I mean everybody gets the picture.

Those Spin Doctors must have been positively orgasmic with glee. Picture it: half a dozen sleazebags sitting around a table, all worked up:

First Spinner: "That's the beauty of it! Terror's a ghost, Gentlemen, a demon spirit, a shape-shifter - hell, it can be anywhere at any time! It's whatever we want it to be. What message could be better for getting people to do whatever-the-hell-we-want than making 'War on Terror'?"

Second Spinner (laughing): "Demon's on the loose, folks!. Danger, danger, danger! Gotta go on the offensive or we're sitting ducks! Oh, almost forgot, did we mention NUKES?"

Third Spinner (serious): "Who could argue against it? What could they possibly say? And, heaven forbid, if anybody's suicidal enough to oppose it ...
We'll just make 'em out to be way worse than low - hell, they're so Un-American that they might as well be Traitors."

Alerting The Public
Only one small problem stands between the spinners and success: You need more than a roomful of Spin Docs crying "Terror, Terror, Terror" to keep the public focused on the message. You need coverage.

No problem, dudes! That's where the members of the press come in. You know, "The Media". Talk about a World-Class Snow Job - they're still buying it! "War on Terror", "War on Terror"; I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hearing it.

Bottom Line
The world's a dangerous place and we're living in it. From time to time - no question about it - some bad shit is going to happen. Nothing new about that. We took a hit on 9/11, but we're a Big Country. We didn't fold up our tent and leave town. We were shocked, horrified, and saddened by what happened on 9/11, but we got over it. So let's get real:

The "War on Terror" is prize winning propaganda; a smokescreen behind which Bush & Co. enrich their already rich buddies and have the audacity to screw around with our precious liberties. In other words, it's bullshit. Bullshit of the worst and most dangerous kind.

Americans aren't terrorized, and we don't need a "War on Terror" to keep us from cowering in fear of "the terrorists". What we really need now is a War on Bullshit.

About "Father to Daughter"

A Concerned Father's Letters To His Daughter

I live outside Washington, D.C. My older daughter is attending college waaaay out on the West Coast - the San Francisco Bay Area to be more or less exact. As any Easterner will be happy to tell you, it can be both weird and dangerous "way out West" and I'm quite concerned for her safety and welfare.
So what's a dad to do?

1) Keep an eagle eye on the news from California. Believe me, I do!
That's how I found out about the dangerous reptiles and giant crustaceans...

2) Email her about any dangerous trends and conditions.
You'll find three of these cautionary missives in the section on Humor. In particular, I hope you enjoy the letter about the Giant Spider Crabs that are making life so hellish in the S.F. Bay Area and I urge you to waste no time learning the awful fate of the poor Billys...

Letter #4 - Global Warming = Giant Crabs!

Dearest Baythor-

Well, it's finally happened. Global warming is changing the ocean ecosystem off the mouth of San Francisco Bay and areas to the north as well, causing yet another unforeseen event: the emergence of Giant Spider Crabs from the ocean depths.

You know as well as I do that the Bay Area media are slavishly tied to the tourist industry. They will NEVER, EVER warn you about this until it is too late, so I'm sending excerpts of the shocking coverage from the Washington, D.C. and New York City newspapers.


Giant Crabs Spotted Near Oakland
Small Boy Missing at Aquarium

Giant Spider Crabs, a dangerous species combining the venom of the arachnid and the stealth and voraciousness of the deep water crustacean, have been sighted in the waters of Northern California where they appear to be migrating to the San Francisco Bay Area.

With a 15" body and a leg span of 12 to 15 feet, these Crust-Achnids, as they are known to science, are as dangerous as they are ugly according to a recent report by the National Academy of Marine Sciences in Washington, D.C.



While their size varies due to age, which can be up to 80 years, most reach a medium size - upper left in photo - within 9 - 12 months of conception. At that time, their front pincers have a Cut Strength of 4,500 lbs/square inch, enough to snap a steel bar like it was a dry piece of Italian pasta!

Even the environmental group Greenpeace voiced alarm about the influx of these monsters of the deep after one of their volunteers met a grisly fate last month. According to Captain John Stonehammer, one of the creatures bit the head off young Billy Stalwart who, thinking the creature was dead, picked it up and was posing for a photograph when disaster struck.


Only moments left to live: Poor Billy posing with "dead" crab...

"It was so freaky, and there was, like, blood and stuff everywhere" recalled Choral Whitney, who witnessed the tragedy. "We were out fooling around in the Zodiac and Billy saw it floating in the water so we went over for a closer look and then he like picked it up? And we were all like oooh gross, put it down, Billy, put it down? That's when I saw one of the long leg-thingies move, and I like screamed and stuff but before he could throw it back, it turned around and SNAP, just like that his head was gone!"

Authorities said "playing dead" was a common attack strategy for the crabs. "Fools em every time" said Captain Samuel Pritchard, who pilots the fishing vessel No Nonsense out of Half Moon Bay just up the coast from San Francisco.


The Captain - No Stranger to Danger

Known as "Salty Sam" to his crew, Pritchard has seen this kind of tragedy unfold more times than he can remember. "Happens all the time", he said last week. "Some weekend warrior from Silicon Valley hooks what he thinks is a blue whale, fights it to the surface, sees a flash of orange, and that's all she wrote!"

Authorities warned that the vicious creatures should be treated with extreme caution, even in the otherwise tranquil setting of a Marine Aquarium. "Sure, you got the glass between you and the creature, but they gets out from time to time, and believe me, you don't want be around when that happens", cautioned National Aquarium spokesman Gene Lomax in Washington, D.C.

Clueless Tourists Watch as Giant Crab Assume Attack Pose

Authorities believe that is exactly what happened in the case of little Billy Watson, who was visiting the Oakland Marine Aquarium with his Aunt and Uncle, Mr. & Mrs. Worthington of Marin County. "One minute the lad was there, and seconds later he was gone, just vanished" they reported.



In this amazing photo, snapped by an Arizona tourist just moments before young Billy disappeared, the poor lad can be seen standing with his back to the creature, who appears to be sizing him up.

Authorities are considering warning recreational boaters and fishermen that recent video footage, taken at midnight under public fishing piers in the Bay Area shows the dangerous creatures apparently fighting for prime hunting space. "They only do that when it gets real crowded" said Giant Spider Crab expert Dr. Ronald Starkweather. "What this means is that there are thousands, maybe even hundreds of thousands of them directly beneath the piers".


Fighting for Prime Turf


Authorities Warn: Beware the Beach!

Carefree scenes like these may soon be a thing of the past according to U.S. Coast Guard Captain Kurt Karpstrom, who cautioned against playing anywhere near the shoreline.

No more of this stuff

Or this stuff...


"I wouldn't go anywhere near the shore without a shotgun and no way in hell am I going in the water."

Kurt Karpstrom, Captain, United States Coast Guard.

I know all this must come as a big surprise to you Baythor. Back in the day, all we had to worry about in the Bay Area was getting burned with too many seeds and stems when we bought some pot from the Hippies. But you and your classmates are living in different and more dangerous times, and you've got to take precautions. Also: Please listen to what Captain Karpstrom said and don't try to use your new bang stick on one of these crabs; they're much too fast for that! Use the shotgun instead.

Be Careful,

Your concerned and loving father.

Letter #3 - Invasion of the Salties

Dear Baythor-
Just saw this terrifying news on TV and wanted to make sure you were aware of the danger.

GIANT SALT WATER CROCODILES INVADE BAY AREA!!!
Aussie Crocks Pose Grave Danger to Paddlers
Military on High Alert - Bang Stick Sales Soar

This story's all over the East coast papers, but I know how they try to hush this stuff up out West so as not to frighten away the tourists.



Here's a photo of a terrifying 18 foot monster crock emerging from the water at a boat launch ramp in Sausalito, right next to the Golden Gate Bridge! From "scat" it deposited on a nearby beach, authorities have concluded that the giant Salties are making a meal of Great White Sharks in the vicinity of the Farallon Islands just off the coast.


Great White Shark - A Saltie's Favorite Food. Well, next to Sea Kayakers, that is....

Saltie Scat on Northern CA beach.

Ever since the much beloved Aussie crocodile hunter Steve Irwin had his unfortunate and fatal encounter with that sting ray, these giant Salties have been overbreeding like crazy. Now, apparently running short of food, they're swimming across the Pacific Ocean from Australia to the West Coast of the USA, where the surf is always up and experts say "the livin' is easy".

Believe me, Baythor, you've got to be one tough customer to gobble up a Great White Shark, but to Salties it must seem like child's play - and no wonder - just look at the size of these monsters - they make a full-grown Great White look like a teenie-weenie sardine. I was frankly astonished by this picture of a 6 month old baby Salty captured just up the coast from San Francisco in Half Moon Bay!


Game warden Jack Fenton with a six month old Salty.

They're saying that these Salties grow faster in the San Francisco Bay Area due to the plentiful supply of portly, slow-moving sea kayakers, so please, please don't go swimming without your bang stick, and don't go paddling around in any of those bright colored rental kayaks! Always double-check to make sure the 44 Magnum shells are in tip-top shape - a misfire with a brute like a Salty could spell disaster!

How fast can it go? Not fast enough...

Bang Sticks - Worth the Price!


Hell, Baythor, it's not even safe to feed these monster crocks chicken-on-a-stick, like this fool is trying to do at the Monterrey Bay Aquarium.

As you can see in this Official MBA Photo, the pathetic moron has already lost his left leg (doubtless to another Salty) - and now he's taunting the hungry reptile with his right one!!!

Can you believe it? What a dingbat! Does he really think he can out-hop that crock? Believe me Baythor, you're looking at a DEAD MAN WALKING! Even an out-of-shape Salty can make 12 mph on level ground - and that's one hell of a lot faster than "Hopalong" here could do using his "chickie-stick" as a cane.

As Steve Irwin might have said: "Crikey! Makes you wonder, mate."

That's all for now sweetheart, except to say that yes, $400+ is a lot of money to pay for a good bang stick, but I think you and your friends will feel it to be money well spent if one or more of these brutes crashes your beach party...

Take up a collection, Baythor, and buy two or three, just in case...

Much Love,

Your concerned father.

Letter #2 - Family Values Alert

Twin Peaks Edition

From the "Going to hell in a handcart with beer as the means of propulsion" department:

Dear Baythor-

The whole Metro DC Area is in a real "Tizzy" today after a keg party at the White House apparently got "out of hand" Saturday afternoon. It's been particularly hard for the conservative, family values types who feel it's their patriotic duty to safeguard the moral fiber of our nation, but I must confess that even I was shocked to see this picture of "Condi" Rice taken by a hidden security camera during a Bush family "Jamboree" in the Rose Garden.


Apparently, Madam Secretary had a little to much Bud Lite and it just went to her head. As the photo was taken, fellow partygoers heard her shout "As long as these are free, the Terrorists will never win!" Confidential sources say that Bush was "positively drooling" and "fixated on the twin peaks" until Laura smacked him with a frozen tamale and dragged him back inside the White House.

Republican Spin Doctors have scheduled a press conference for Monday, during which Bush is expected to reaffirm his faith in Jesus and his support for "family values". In an exclusive telephone interview with Juan Tanamera of NPR, Bush said: "Women have breasts, and um, well, there are two of them and, um, I've always supported the right of women to have breasts... to support their breasts. Laura has breasts, and it's ah, well, some people think, but I, well it's real natural and, you know, nothing to be ashamed of...."

This is precisely the type of incident that could spell DOOM for the "pachyderm party", so everyone in town is following it closely.

Still, it would be premature to get your hopes up - these guys have pulled their fancy corporate jet out of a nose dive before....

I'll keep you posted.

Love,
Dad

Letter #1 - Beware of Dangerous Reptiles

Dearest Baythor-

I don't want to unduly alarm you, but...

Seen recently on a beach near Oakland, CA

Forewarned is forearmed. Don't underestimate the speed and tenacity of these swarthy creatures, Baythor.

They can even jump waaaaay out of the water as you can see from the next photo!

And don't let the small arms fool you! This beast isn't a kickboxer, it leads with it's snout.


A looooong toothsome snout -- just look at the size of the teeth on this terror.



Now you see why all those macho guys like to strut around in crocodile cowboy boots.....


It's like a coded message to other dudes... Make way, tough guy comin'

Works in reverse when ladies wear them...



I think it's too high a price to pay for fashion, but what do I know? I thought: maybe I'm just being overprotective. So, just to be on the safe side, I "looked it up". Whew! Took my breath away...

USDA Government Warning R-79

These boots should NEVER, EVER, be worn in crocodile country because it really pisses off the temperamental reptiles. Misuse of boots can cause loss of limbs or worse.

Remember, Baythor, a crock never forgets...

The one below is laughing hard after making a quick meal of some Urban Cowboy who made the fatal error of strutting around in Crockies TM near the edge of a municipal lake in Oakland, California....

I know you think they're sooooo cute when they hatch, Baythor, and I agree - as your grandma used to say, they're "cute as a button". But then a few months go by and the family cat Mr. Binky goes missing along with Muggles, the neighbor's little dog...

They were last seen playing together near the water.....
Need I say more???

Love,

Dad